A brisk clean smell, not like rain, but of freshness. This is winter.

A time where snow is supposed to fall, cozy up to the fire, tea,

no one saying anything to you about when you want to say in for

a night to read, watch a movie, or do absolutely nothing.

That is what the season calls for. Or at least the northern part of Jersey.

This season and time of snow, time with family, or time to spend alone.

An old love should effect ones future, but that's all it does.
Moments continue and little things change this way of thinking
but there is that history. Words, answers, phrasing or a gesture can
make all these things come back. I may have forgotten but my heart
won't. This tugging and stress that washed over my body is unbearable.

Times that have long since past come rushing back. A pain that becomes
unmistakable as heartache. Intense pounding with a rush of heart life fire
burning through my heart, down my arm. No panic just shrugging to breathe,
looking for a peace that won't come till I hear words come from you, but even
that won't unsettle this burning in my heart. Making my stomach drop over this
sinking feeling in my stomach as though I should stop and not say anymore
but this drives the words out of me more. I cannot stop my fingers from moving
to say these words that you'll later read, passing on this heartache to reach you.

All you say is okay.

Home Sweet Home

Thinking, always thinking and being told how to think.
Yes, it's important to know what is right, what's wrong, and the appropriate way to act.
Isn't the way I think just as valuable? Speaking out just makes
the mother that brought you into this world role her eyes. What makes
you think your mind has that kind of value? Your husband knows what is right.
He knows what is best. Listen to his desires, fulfill his wants and needs.
Oh your not in the mood? Oh poor you having to spread those legs for a man
who brings you into a home that looks like this. I'd gladly get on my knees
to scrub the floor and other need that could be meet or done.
Silly woman. See what you don't appreciate.

Left alone to the "palace" or dungeon as I like to view it.
Silence gives most people anxiety or a nervousness. Not me.
Looking around these rooms, they are filled with moments of my husband
wanting me to please and serve him. That does not haunt me.
The silence takes away those moments and makes me be in peace.

Just a Kiss.

That moment when your heart reminds you that there is no going back now
the barrier you knew not to cross you let yourself get caught up. A moment decision
that you did not say no to. Yes, there was a time where as you had to say was this is too far
       that's it. . . but no. You let it happen with his hands on you, having a way with
you that you knew was wrong. Not what the state or others see as a violation because
let's face it it was your idea. Nothing can be said when its yourself who came up with
the violation. No this cannot be. Curled up under the covers holding a stuffed animal
you've had for years and the tears begin in your eyes. A slow trickle remember the moments
leading up to what happened. Thinking the control is all in your hands and that he's the toy.

Silly toy doing all that I ask. That gives you a false confidence. You know what your doing,
at least that's what you tell yourself. This is so boring and we're sitting here and I'm uncomfortable
all I have to do is turn and kiss him and that will change things. Such a silly thought.
Getting physical to pass time. What a waste. What a silly idea. Such a silly girl. No you were
no silly girl. It was all your idea. I turned and kissed you that now you can't stop those
temptations to continue. All I did was a soft invitation kiss that you pull me in hard kissing deeper.
Just kissing. That's all I thought to pass some of the slow moving pieces to this movie. I think kissing
but you have other ideas. Farther ideas. . . But, you had the control right?