A brisk clean smell, not like rain, but of freshness. This is winter.

A time where snow is supposed to fall, cozy up to the fire, tea,

no one saying anything to you about when you want to say in for

a night to read, watch a movie, or do absolutely nothing.

That is what the season calls for. Or at least the northern part of Jersey.

This season and time of snow, time with family, or time to spend alone.

An old love should effect ones future, but that's all it does.
Moments continue and little things change this way of thinking
but there is that history. Words, answers, phrasing or a gesture can
make all these things come back. I may have forgotten but my heart
won't. This tugging and stress that washed over my body is unbearable.

Times that have long since past come rushing back. A pain that becomes
unmistakable as heartache. Intense pounding with a rush of heart life fire
burning through my heart, down my arm. No panic just shrugging to breathe,
looking for a peace that won't come till I hear words come from you, but even
that won't unsettle this burning in my heart. Making my stomach drop over this
sinking feeling in my stomach as though I should stop and not say anymore
but this drives the words out of me more. I cannot stop my fingers from moving
to say these words that you'll later read, passing on this heartache to reach you.

All you say is okay.

Home Sweet Home

Thinking, always thinking and being told how to think.
Yes, it's important to know what is right, what's wrong, and the appropriate way to act.
Isn't the way I think just as valuable? Speaking out just makes
the mother that brought you into this world role her eyes. What makes
you think your mind has that kind of value? Your husband knows what is right.
He knows what is best. Listen to his desires, fulfill his wants and needs.
Oh your not in the mood? Oh poor you having to spread those legs for a man
who brings you into a home that looks like this. I'd gladly get on my knees
to scrub the floor and other need that could be meet or done.
Silly woman. See what you don't appreciate.

Left alone to the "palace" or dungeon as I like to view it.
Silence gives most people anxiety or a nervousness. Not me.
Looking around these rooms, they are filled with moments of my husband
wanting me to please and serve him. That does not haunt me.
The silence takes away those moments and makes me be in peace.

Just a Kiss.

That moment when your heart reminds you that there is no going back now
the barrier you knew not to cross you let yourself get caught up. A moment decision
that you did not say no to. Yes, there was a time where as you had to say was this is too far
       that's it. . . but no. You let it happen with his hands on you, having a way with
you that you knew was wrong. Not what the state or others see as a violation because
let's face it it was your idea. Nothing can be said when its yourself who came up with
the violation. No this cannot be. Curled up under the covers holding a stuffed animal
you've had for years and the tears begin in your eyes. A slow trickle remember the moments
leading up to what happened. Thinking the control is all in your hands and that he's the toy.

Silly toy doing all that I ask. That gives you a false confidence. You know what your doing,
at least that's what you tell yourself. This is so boring and we're sitting here and I'm uncomfortable
all I have to do is turn and kiss him and that will change things. Such a silly thought.
Getting physical to pass time. What a waste. What a silly idea. Such a silly girl. No you were
no silly girl. It was all your idea. I turned and kissed you that now you can't stop those
temptations to continue. All I did was a soft invitation kiss that you pull me in hard kissing deeper.
Just kissing. That's all I thought to pass some of the slow moving pieces to this movie. I think kissing
but you have other ideas. Farther ideas. . . But, you had the control right?

What's right?

Trapped of this world of thinking what is right and wrong,
     the body, the flesh, my lust has it's needs. Needs to feel this idea
of pleasure . . . desire. Physical contact that feels
                                                                              so right. And wanted.

Is this love? No. Is there an attraction? Yes. Attraction of looks?
Maybe. Attraction of the person? I don't know. The body
       calls for the feeling it's strong and demanding
it calls when it wants and needs to be addressed. I cannot get it out of
   my head. . . It has taken over my mind. Constantly going

in this fantasy world of ideas, passions and pleasurable moments.
moments that I have been thinking about that are not finally
happening. . . I wondered what they would be like. This fantasy.

                     This is no fantasy though. These action are
happening. I have no will to stop. I keep asking and creating them. They
are on my mind c o n s t a n t l y. I cannot control them. All I
             want and need is to know what he would do to me
when I did what i said to him.
                                                I get no answer.
                                                                          I am the longing on.

              Are these feeling okay or should I stop?
I don't talk about it because I don't want my actions to be know
but he knows. I won't talk about them with him. . . But He knows.

Heart aching, flowing over with anger and heart break
      you brought these ideas in my head. These
promises you had no intention of following through on. Words
             that hold no meaning to you
besides an end goal you hope to reach and accomplish.
     Silly boy, did your mother not teach you properly?

Playing with a girls heart, she fights back, and this one
   has a
             mean punch
                                 with a world of issues she's not afraid
to hold back on. You giggle like the other girls huddled in
     a circle. With a smile that is obnoxious on that
face of yours. Promises. Yeah that what I remember
 
             I promise it was only once.

Only once with her. Then the rest of the alphabet tends to follow
                     in the only once situation.

I can stare and pray that you are who I've made you up to be
in my mind. Fellow of pride, respect, and someone I wish to call mine.
                  HA! My secret. My pleasure. My douche.
Those seems to flow right out of the mouth so easily.
What about when you were my friend? Lover? Person who made me happy?
Are you still that person? Or have those been taken away?
Moments of peace just looking in your eyes with it all feeling right.
Then you say you don't want to explain yourself because then I could
get the wrong idea. . . Making a girl feel useless and leaving her that
way is the better bet?

Your Mama didn't raise you right.
          Or you ignored her when saying you will break girls heart
if you don't respect them. Respect seemed easy.
     To show respect you need to respect yourself. Lying to
the one you say your closet with, how can you love anyone?

The blood on my hands should feel cold,
they can't see it, but I do. Every time
I look down. Covered in deep red. I've
never seen anything like it. I held your
Heart in my hands. Your bare heart, vain
straining to push blood that were no longer
connected to. It's beautiful and surreal.

The street continues as I take steps hearing
the clanking of my heels. Stilettos on a cement
sidewalk in the heart of winter. This is the life
I now live since I've killed you. An established
women in the higher ups. They first saw me as the
sad broken hearted girl who they were giving
a break. It was only a broken heart. You were the bastard who lost.

Baby

Need to be told right from wrong,
Mama didn't raise me right. I'd
sit in the crib to await her return
but even in the cries I knew it to
be no use. The cry was to call her
in but all it did was keep the stranger
in her arms here longer because I was
an interruption. A baby was not seen
as setting the mood, sometimes
Mama would come back bleeding from
not properly satisfying, due to a baby
who was hungry. One time Mama
didn't come, it was a man, who rocked
me saying, "baby don't cry" he wore
a uniform, while Mama smiled. I
never saw her smile before, was
this a random man or could this be Dadda?

Voice Within

Glass everywhere to make for perfection,
however for this it exposes all the flaws,
an overbearing voice that remember these mistakes
although this small mind does not comprehend the tone.

Another voice to say what's wrong and what's right
each voice contradicts the other. Who to listen to
and obey, or should the voice within be right?
A child like mind knows what's right and wrong,

Age adds experience but also a hard heart and confusion.
Children may have the voice of reason
in this scary time, why undermine them when times fail us due to
either way, turn out, jump and plea.

Oh you speak? Your mind can give fortifying thoughts?
What is the conspiracy? A  girl being educated makes no sense,
it's soon to be wasted when see meets a man and they wed.
Tis a shame she had a real future.

The ling nights of intense studying, filled with coffee and though of scholars
will simply become a distant memory when she turns to say hello.
This moment that makes it all change to start taking days off work
then putting down the books to make time for her looks.

Each girl will think this won't happen to them especially attending
the high up schools, but they miss that it's unavoidable.
Times say they've changed, but that's only time, not the desire of a girl
who was created for purposes beyond her control.

Through school this was the message given by men and women.
Male professor either said to get away from this, or didn't bother
answering the girls. While the women spoke to both sides, many gave
an impression family wins.

What if there's one who does not comprehend,
for family wasn't what they were given,
but a bunch of foster people who could be
                                                                     bothered?

I call on you when I a voice to tell me I'm crazy,
that everything will work out or I just completely effed it all up.
Above all that when I'm hurt to be by my side even when I
say I want to be alone. In one moment there is a decision to stay
                                                                                                                   or go.
In that moment  S T A Y, but that was not yours
I was in a state of confusion and pain, one where I should not
have been left alone. I did not know what to do, although
                                                                                                      you didn't care.
The moment I needed to not be in control, you left.

Embrace the Moment

The way out of a confined space is to break all bounds, to see the underling path

told to be ignored, why go that way? Rather than is life is to be ahead of us, and

not how we see it right now. What crap the teachers tell us about life is to come,

who do they think they are filling our mind with? Life's in the future, and think of the future...

I'll tell you about that future, it is something to be planned for, but if life of now is

not lived then there is no future to be heading towards beside a downward spiral

or an endless life of neglecting responsibilities. Mama never said that was bad - or

maybe mama didn't care enough to say come inside from playing and do your homework.

The young wild and free motto lives on in childhood, but that was acceptable, the age

of reason and doing the necessity is what happens now. Ignore the clothes of t-shirt

and cut off jeans that are considered beach and lounge wear when done with school

and entering the real world. Pick up the pencil shirt and blouse to enjoy the day of hours passing

by while working hard to get the deals done and what is asked of your boss. This could

be the life lived when ignoring the crap teaches tell to not challenge you in their classroom

and let you be someone else's problem. They miss out on the chance to be truly happy for

your success, rather than bitter to see the greater outcome from others who pushed you to be better.

Life is not destined to be one way or another, it is about choices that are made. Ignore the

crap and push on. Or absorb all the crap handed to you and become the one looking at the

future, putting off responsibilities, and keep those dirty clothes given to you years ago and lay

starring at the sky in a bliss of thinking tomorrows another day, when it's ten am but

                                                                                                                                      you just woke up.

One World

Comes a point to know all or question it
is what a skeptist would say, falling for the
things that are told rather than finding the
truth on our own. While trusting the words
that are shared from above and seeking what
is left to be answered and finding the answer
is possibly the conservative. While the liberal
with hear the things and question it but secretly
believe it all. Even with each different answer
or statement the people of our time, hear what's
said and think to go about of lives because
the happenings around us are the problems
of the world, that do not matter for us.

Edited photos

Destiny

A wonderful life together is where we're headed the two
of us so in sync it all makes perfect sense. From the beginning
our charismatic, introverted personalities were pulled out
by the other for the better of each to see the strength

in which they own. A courage they've been told others
see inside of them. The love they share with one another
makes their strength in each other become so blinding of how
perfectly they fit the other. ALmost like a glove that was
in a lost and found and needed by another. Each feels

like the others clique. Being together is something they didn't
fight. Simply waited patiently knowing the other would be there
People tell them how they're 'meant to be' or 'they don't need anyone else'
was this what they saw when looking deep into the others eyes?

Endless opportunities coming their way, possibilities they knew
could be done, is this too much for two who were meant
to be? The world could see all this and this was the path
for them, however she knew the worlds been wrong before.

'Love' Fairy Tale

Moments enter our lives to show us what we believe to be
true, what it leaves out is that life is what we think it to be and
force this outcome. Even with all the warning signs that are so
obvious, that reasons are made to ignore the blatant wrong we're doing.

Every bit of us is saying this is wrong and to run,
but instead we stay and talk or answer the text simply of our
own selfish desire to make it all work out. What is really being worked out?
Something we've made up in our heads, from what's being down on

paper is not what is truly happening. A check list has been made of
what's been shared, an emotional adultery that is worse than anything
physical. Connecting to the heart on all levels that should only be
done in a relationship. However two strangers shared more of themselves

then anyone they've ever cared deeply for, causing a wake of confusion.
Is this love? Or a friendship that will not be matched or continued
when one utters the words they've danced around, neither wanting to
touch upon the subject that they created this unhealthy world

that needed to be broken with a confession which brought around it's end.